Hello Friends, happy Thursday ! I hope you're all doing good and enjoy your day.
This time, let me create a random blog post about my life and feeling. You may find this post is unimportant, but who knows there's someone out there who feel the same as I am feeling right know....so, at least you'll think that you are not alone :)
Well, this time I feel like i am in a tough situation even I dont know how tell you exactly how it feels. But, have you ever been in a situation when at the beginning you are confident enough like you're almost 100% sure of your decision, but at the end you find suddenly you start doubting yours? The insecurities start facing you without even able to stop it?
Maybe this is the terms which can nearly describe my situation nowadays
I am not a typical person who are easy to give up on my dreams nor a crybaby person. I'd like to talk with my closest ones but never let anyone knows my problem in details. Why? Because i dont want people to pity me.
So, let me tell you about myself in brief. I am the oldest child in my family and also the only one daughter, I have no sister, just have brothers. At the same time, I am also the oldest grand daughter in my family. This circumstance lead me become the person who always wanted to show my best version in whatever I did. I realized, as the oldest one, I should be a role model for my siblings and cousins. I dont want them to respect me just because I am the oldest, but also because I deserve to be respected.
Without any intention to brag my self out, starting from the earlier academic phase (kindergarten), I made some achievements, like winning kinda islamic competition, poetry competition and so on. Then, when I was in elementary school, I always became a top student in the class (my rank was around first or second position), this made me a lil bit "a popular student in elementary school" even after years passed, when my younger brother entered the same school, the teachers still remember me.
When I was about to graduate from elementary school, I wanted so bad to enter the most top school in my city, at that time it was SMPN 1 Padang. Unfortunately, I cound't make it and finally I was admitted to SMPN 8 Padang (It's still the top school in my city thought, but just not in my first preference). It takes time to accept it, but finally I was so happy to attend this school, like it's just perfect at the end.
Then, when I was thinking about High school, I wanted so bad to go to SMAN 1 Padang. I was confident enough to get it. It's beacuse in junior high school, I managed to get the good score and it leads me became the selected student to be admitted to "kelas unggul". Usually, more than half of the students in my junior high school went to the favourite high school, and guess almost everyone in "kelas unggul"managed into the favourite high school.FYI, the top high school were SMAN 1 Padang and SMAN 10 Padang or usually being called as SMANTEN.
However, there's a big earthquake happened in Padang in 2009 where more than 50% of buildings collapsed. As a result, the SMAN 1 Pdg was relocated to the new location which is far enough from my house and looking from the transportation, it's a bit hard to reach by using public transport. So, I decided to registered myself to SMANTEN, and alhamdulillah I can make it. For the second time in my life, I jumped again to my second preference, right? hahahah
Three years passes and I should think of my further education. I am a fan of engineering and wanted so bad to have my next education in UI. At that time, there's a special way to be admitted to university without even taking the examination, students just submit the school report, it called as SNMPTN Undangan or PMDK. Guess what happened next?
Yes, I coudnt get my first order which is UI. I still passed the PMDK selection, but not in my first choice. I got Unand, the major is Public Health. It brought me down, really. To be honest, I chose this major coincidentally, I didnt expect to get it. (Pada tahun sebelumnya tidak lumrah lulus PMDK pada universitas pilihan kedua, jadi saya berpikir jika saya tidak dapatkan UI, maka saya akan bertarung di jalur SBMPTN). I was quite shock, wanted to not accept this deal, but then the teacher told us like this "jika yang diterima di jalur undangan tidak mengambil tawaran, maka sekolah akan di black list, dan akan menyusahkan untuk tahun tahun selanjutnya masuk ke universitas/program studi tersebut). I think twice, then I took it. My parents said you dont know what will happen next, maybe it is the best for you. In addition, saya juga tidak ingin menjadi hamba tuhan yang tidak bersyukur. Disaat orang lain luntang lantung mencari universitas, saya sudah diberikan kemudahan.
Yes, my parents is all right. I took the sourest lemon that life offers me and turned into something resembling lemonade. Ini quote yang paling pas menggambarkan apa yang saja jalani (FYI, saya capek pake bahasa inggris hahaha). Mungkin kalau saya tidak kuliah di sini, saya belum bisa ke Jepang ,dibayarin lagi. Kalau tidak disini, mungkin saya tidak bisa mengembangkan kemampuan berorganisasi saya ( saya pernah menjadi international relation manager di AIESEC), saya kenal banyak orang bahkan beberapa teman dari luar negeri yang sampai saat ini masih menjain hubungan baik dengan saya.
Lulus dari kampus tahun 2017, saya memutuskan untuk langsung mengambil kursus IELTS. Saya ingin sekali lanjut kuliah S2 luar negeri. Berkat kerja keras dan restu orang tua, saya mendapatkan skor yang cukup memuaskan , dan tak lama kemudian saya juga alhamdulillah diterima di salah satu kampus yang ada di negeri kanguru.
Kadang saya sedih jika ada orang yang mengatakan bahwa selama ini jalan hidup saya selalu mulus, saya selalu mendapatkan sekolah favorit, dsb, mereka lalu mempertanyakan keinginan saya untuk segera S2 setelah lulus seolah-olah memperingati bahwa kali ini mungkin mimpi akan terganjal, mengingat sebelumnya jalan hidup mulus-mulus saja. Saya tidak marah, karena mereka tidak tau apa yang terjadi, bagaiman prosesnya, mereka hanya tau hasil akhir saja.Saya ingin menjadikan ini cambuk untuk membuktikan bahwa tidak ada hasil yang mengkhianati proses :)
Hari demi hari saya lalui dengan cukup optimis berharap mimpi saya akan segera menjadi kenyataan. Namun, beberapa hari lalu, duni saya seolah-olah runtuh begitu list kampus LPDP LN di publish. Kali ini LPDP semakin saklek, LPDP tidak hanya sekedar menentukan kampus tujuan , namun juga beserta program studinya. Mengagetkan memang, sangat mengagetkan malahan, kampus yang saya targetkan tetap ada dalam list, namun hanya untuk jurusan Mining and Mineral. Satu-satunya kampus yang dapat menajdi tujuan saya adalah kampus top 20 dunia yang mayoritas ada di USA, yang sangat susah untuk mendapatkan LoA nya. Belum lagi , harus mengambil GRE yang notabene saya masih sangat buta akan itu.
Saya hampir putus asa, mempertanyakan kembali mimpi saya, apakah jalan yang saya lalui sudah benar? Terbersit di pikiran, apakah pengorbanan saya selama ini hanya akan berakhir sia-sia? saya mungkin pengecut kali ini, belum apa-apa sudah membayangkan semuanya sulit untuk ditempuh. Saya kemudian juga berpikir, apakah kali ini saya akan jatuh lagi di pilihan kedua saya yang bahkan saya pun belum tau apa itu pilihan kedua saya?
Saya hanya bisa terus menguatkan diri, walapun kadang saya serasa berada di tepi jurang, berusaha memegang semangat yang masih tersisa sambil terus memanjatkan doa pada Allah jika mimpi saya ini ini layak untuk diperjuangkan, jika Allah rasa ini baik untuk saya, maka mudahkan jalan saya, kuatkan langkah saya. Namun jika bukan, saya ingin kesabaran dan keihkasan tanpa batas dan anugerahkan lah saya yang lemah ini pengganti yang jauh lebih baik.
Disclaimer : curhatan hati yang terdalam, terutama untuk temen-temen yang berencana apply beasiswa LPDP LN tahun 2018 ini, namun patah hati setelah list perguruan tinggi nya dirilis. Mungkin apa yang dirasakan sama, tapi jangan lelah berusaha dan berdoa.
NB : Merasa sedikit lega setelah curhat panjang lebar.
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